Is it time to 'Go Dutch'? | Millennial Youth Magazine

By Justina Liu

Should a teen be allowed to have a sleepover ? with someone of the opposite sex?

In the Netherlands, a country with rates of teen pregnancy, birth and abortion that are many times lower than those in the United States, 24 out of 26 parents would allow it, or at least consider it.

The findings, reported by Amy Schalet, associate professor of sociology at the University of Massachusetts, Amherst, is backed by a national survey that found the majority of Dutch teens with steady girl- or boyfriends were allowed to spend the night together.

In the U.S., teenage sexuality is seen differently: Sex is dangerous, risky and to be avoided.

For 16-year-old Cameron of Guilderland, N.Y., the rules were laid down plain and simple:

?It was like, don?t have sex.?

Two countries, two views
Schalet was born in America but grew up in the Netherlands. She recalls a conversation from her teen years while visiting an American friend one summer. The two girls were sitting in her friend?s bedroom, and her friend complained that she did not have enough time to spend with her boyfriend.

?Well, doesn?t he sleep here?? Schalet asked.

Her friend found the idea outrageous.

Schalet later moved back to the U.S. for college and found her textbooks often referred to the ?Western family.? The all-encompassing term did not seem to reflect some of the distinct variations between the two countries that she noticed as a teen.

Curious, Schalet interviewed 130 parents and teens in the U.S. and the Netherlands between the years 1991 and 2000. In her recently published book, ?Not Under My Roof,? she reveals her findings and brings attention to the evident differences in the Dutch and American attitudes toward teenage sexuality.

The Dutch view
Fifty years ago, the Netherlands and the U.S. were more similar. In neither country was sex before marriage okay.

Today, the Dutch view teen sex as more about love within a relationship, Schalet says, while the Americans view teen sex as more about sex.

So, what happened? Schalet has two explanations. First, she explains, Dutch parents permit teen sexuality because they want to have more control. They see this as a better way of staying in touch with young people and also exerting more influence as parents.

Schalet also believes that easy access to reliable contraception ? specifically the pill ? for teens early on in the Netherlands (starting in 1970) was key.

?A Dutch girl can go to the doctor or the clinic and get the pill without much, if any, cost, or needing to worry about her parents finding out,? she says, adding that in the 1970s, the unintended pregnancy rate dropped in the Netherlands and has remained one of the lowest in the West.

?The Dutch don?t associate teenage sex with teen pregnancy because girls usually use the pill quite effectively to prevent pregnancy, she says. ?In the U.S., that didn?t so much happen. People started seeing teen sex as just about having sex.?

The American view
Two paradigms shape the American view of teenage sexuality. In the abstinence-until-marriage paradigm, American society views sex outside of heterosexual marriage as wrong, says Schalet in a 2011 article in Women?s Health Issues Journal.

?The rules are pretty simple,? explains Michaela, a 15-year-old American from Guilderland. ?My parents think I?m too young.?

Before she is allowed to date a boy, her parents must meet and approve of him. She describes her mother as ?conservative and very religious? who discourages her from having sex before marriage.

Although Michaela respects her parents, she does not share those values. Her mother firmly believes in abstinence until marriage, but to Michaela, ?that just seems unreachable.?

Christopher Spurling, a recent graduate of the University of Cincinnati, where he was a Certified Peer Educator at the university?s wellness center. He gives presentations and runs informational programs about a wide range of health topics. Spurling is also a member of Advocates for Youth, a non-profit organization that works in support of comprehensive sex education programs, especially in schools.

Spurling doesn?t even have to think about whether the abstinence-until-marriage is an effective strategy, since, he says, research consistently shows it isn?t.

?A very small population of people wait until marriage for their first sexual experience (only about five percent),? he says. ?States with abstinence-until-marriage programs have higher teen pregnancy rates.?

Spurling says this paradigm has another serious drawback: It discriminates against lesbian and gay individuals, who in most states cannot get married.

Sex as risk
The second paradigm, sex as risk, is the reason many parents encourage their teens to wait.

Many sex education programs teach students aspects of sexual health, but it?s not uncommon to show students pictures of sexually transmitted infections (STIs) and statistics of infection rates in order to scare them into abstinence.

Lindsay, 16, of Guilderland, says, ?A lot of teenagers do end up getting (sexually transmitted infections) and getting pregnant.? Although she understands the concern, she believes that concern has been taken to an extreme, causing sex to become taboo.

?The country tends to focus on the negative things that could happen,? says Lori Rafferty, a health educator at Guilderland High School. Still, she notes, sex is judged by a tougher standard than some other risky activities. ?Driving in a car is dangerous, but it?s not taboo.?

Spurling says ?sex-positive? programs that teach about STIs also promote the use of condoms and other barrier methods of protection.

The dramatization of teen sex
When it comes to sex, relationships and love, teens receive mixed messages. On one hand is the media that pushes sexual advertising and hyper-sexualized music videos, says Spurling. On the other, American society warns us that sex is dangerous and should not be discussed.

?This implies that sexuality is a rebellious activity, when in fact it is a natural part of being human,? he says.

By seeing sex only as risky and to be avoided until marriage, American society creates an environment around adolescent sexuality that highlights internal and interpersonal conflicts, says Schalet.

?In the U.S., there is a sense that sex between teenagers is about these raging hormones that are difficult for teens to control,? she says, giving an example of one of three types of conflict: impulse versus cognition.

Simply discouraging teens from having sex doesn?t give them the skills they need to exercise good judgment in an environment where temptations abound.

But teenagers themselves see merit in a parental hard line on sex.

If teen sex became acceptable in American society, it would probably make things worse, says Lindsay. ?I honestly think then everyone would be like, all right, it?s OK to do it, so let?s just get it on.?

Boy vs. girl
A second conflict is the one between boys and girls. ?Boys just want sex and girls just want love? is an American concept, according to Schalet.

In Lindsay?s description of that conflict, ?the boys pressure the girls,? and the situation depends on if the girl caves. ?It makes things stressed, and there?s an unequal sharing of power.?

On the male side of this conflict, teenager Cameron describes his mother as a romantic: ?She believes that sex is all about love.? From his viewpoint, ?It?s just kind of like, sex.?

Between youth and parents, a third conflict occurs. By treating sex as taboo, a distance is created between parent and teen during the development of sexuality, Schalet says. ?As a consequence, you have a situation where there?s a lot of don?t ask, don?t tell going on.?

Lindsay believes her parents shouldn?t have absolute authority over her romantic life. ?It?s who I choose to hang out with; it?s my decision more than theirs.?

Schalet notes that during her research, American girls showed the most discomfort when interviewed about sex.

?In the U.S., it?s hard for girls to feel that they?re ?good daughters? and sexual beings,? Schalet says.

?Even girls who weren?t yet sexually active felt it would disappoint their parents to talk about it,? says Schalet. One girl said that although she was close with her parents, she would only tell them that she had sex if she became pregnant.

Most teens wouldn?t want to discuss their sex lives with their parents, but they would like a more open relationship, says Spurling. ?Even though this means different things for different families, teens would like better communication about relationships, love and sex in general.?

Is it time to ?Go Dutch??
Unlike the American paradigm in which parents, educators and policymakers believe that educating young adults about risk and abstinence will direct them toward sexual well-being, Dutch parents believe young people can know when they?re ready, and that when they are, they will use contraception.

In the Netherlands, sex usually is perceived within the context of love or a relationship, and such relationships are usually taken seriously. However, Schalet explains, a serious relationship doesn?t mean the two will marry, ?it just means a positive, steady relationship.?

By viewing sexuality as an either/or activity rather than a continuum, the development of the necessary skills that a youth needs to walk the line between wants and boundaries is overlooked. Equipped with such skills, a young person is able to explore sexuality gradually and pleasurably at his or her own pace, says Schalet.

As a health educator, Rafferty believes it is necessary for teens to experience a full range of emotions in order to decipher various feelings associated with sexual development and make healthy decisions.

According to Schalet, many American teens say they wish they had waited to have sex, whereas ?most Dutch teenagers report that their first sexual experiences ? are well-timed, wanted and fun,? suggesting that Dutch teens feel more control over and are more entitled to sexual exploration.

Many Dutch parents recognize a teen?s autonomy over his or her sexuality. In one interview with a Dutch mother, Schalet had asked the mother if she thought her son was ready to have a sex. The mother responded that Schalet should ask her son the question.

The Dutch value relations between both partners and adult caregivers, and by doing so, they are able to encourage positive adolescent sexual experiences. ?They believe that young people can fall in love,? Schalet says about the Dutch. In the U.S., the topic is often avoided.

?I don?t really like talking about that with my parents,? says Cameron regarding love. ?It?s kinda weird.?

?When I ask students where they learned about sex, no one ever says ?My parents? or ?My teachers.? The two answers I always get are ?My friends? and ?The Internet,?? says Spurling. ?We all know that middle school rumors are not very reliable, and the Internet has a fair share of wrong information.?

From what students have told him, Spurling says parents are usually unwilling to discuss sex. Those who are willing usually joke about condoms but will not talk seriously about their benefits.

Sex has a place in a natural, developmental process, and will be part of most peoples? lives at some point, Schalet says. These things are about just growing up in general. ?It?s not like the Dutch way is perfect, but it can be easier, and I think that people think it?s possible.?

Schalet adds that when parents convey foreboding messages and teenagers hide sexual activities, ?connected-ness between parent(s) and teenagers often breaks down over the issue of sex.? It is up to health professionals, educators, clergy and those who work in the media, she says, ?to bridge the gap between parents and teens.?

Source: http://millennialyouth.com/education/is-it-time-to-go-dutch/

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